It's been awhile

Dear diary, it's been 10 weeks since my last post.
To sum up, I gave the reboot fast another week, until I signed up for boot camp and promptly puked in front of a dozen housewives because there was no energy to be found in my body, and too much citrus in my stomach. so then I dedicated myself to the  couch to 5k program, and briefly found some progress there until maddy and her friend wendy started punking out. We did 5 weeks on, and now we are a month off. which sucks and now I am gaining weight again.

Also since that time I went to the movie opening in miami, saw clarence, then saw him again the day after a I did a marathon radio interview - and allegedly got back with him. That was 2 weeks ago. since then he's been shady as fuck. what a douche. but then, par for the course. I am typing up a managerial contract and will push it in his face with the gigs offered. we'll see what happens. he has a habit of signing everything.

Day 31

So here's the story morning glory. I lost the weight I gained back, plus a another pound or so - and then I caved Saturday night and had pollo ala brassa with fixins. It's been 12 years since chicken tasted so good - and then I was stuck in a hospital.


So now, I'm gonna modify the diet until it's mostly juice, with a hint of protein once a day. My body has been craving protein, and I've been deficient since I started the fast. The RDA is 55 grams, and I've been averaging 20-30 a day. That's not healthy. It's also not healthy to be fat, so I've upped the exercise. No more 2-3 times a week. I'm doing 4-5 times a week from here until the end of the 60 days. Yesterday I did the skinny bitch workout again, and it didn't kill me as bad, and I'm not nearly as sore as I was the day after last time. Tomorrow, I'm going to submit a week-pass to this ritzy gym next to publix. When that runs out, I'm going to use my groupon for 30 exercise classes - spread out over multiple gyms. I got that sucker for $20, a steal considering exercise classes at fancy gyms go for $12-$25 a pop. The most expensive being the cross fitness near the metrorail station. I'll do a few there as well. I may still be fat - but I remain the king of deals.

Day 26

My cheating finally had a price. I weighed in yesterday and I had gained 1 pound 8 oz back.  That kinda sucked, so to make it worse, I ate 1/2 a sausage. I figured if I was gonna gain weight, I might as well eat some protein.

This morning, I was back on track, and I did a 5 mile walk with Maddy. After that I met up with Rich and gave him a price for a 2 month campaign for his mary Karlzen/Chickadee's kids record. I do hope they take me up, as I need the $$ for property tax and general living expenses.
I keep thinking I should write a letter to Clarence, with the opening of the film coming up. Part of me thinks he'll just use it as fuel for his self-loathing/everything is someone else's fault rampage, but another part of me wants to get it off my chest. And he does deserve an explanation about why I walked away last year- sort of.

Day 25

I cheated yesterday and ate a fiber one bar (and nuts, prunes and hummus), so I did the "skinny bitch" workout dvd that Lai got at Borders' closeout. It has 4, 20 minute components: Legs, abs, arms, ass. As I can't really do the abs do to my hernia (or can I?) I did the legs and arms. I completed the arms workout and did about 2/3 of the legs. I am pretty damn sore this am.

Jade had a birthday party/sleepover Sunday night at her choker-turned-bff Melanie's house. Melanie's mom and her cool Argentine beaux thought it was hysterical than Melanie went from playground choker to host/bff in less than a week. It turns out that Melanie is the new kid, having moved from Key Largo recently. I turned down choripan, burgers, beer, cake and god knows what else. But then I caved at the movies with Lai and ate popcorn and drank maybe 12 oz of soda. Oh well. I still haven't eaten any meat or starch. If I do the ass and abs (what little I can do of it anyway) SBW today I should be straight for my walk on Wednesday with Maddy - if she doesn't bail again.

Day 23

Despite my handful of minor cheats and Maddy bailing out of friday's walk, last night at weigh in I was down 6 pounds for the 8 days, for a total of 12 measured, and probably 14-15 total as I started weighing in 2 days into it the fast. I also weighed in late at night, after all my juices - so there's that too.
While that's  far from ideal progress considering the austerity of the juice fast - it's progress nonetheless. By Friday I'll be below where I was last year after my manic breakdown and then the real work begins - getting as close to 200 as I can before the fast is over. If I could get to 195 that would be huge.


Lai and I are getting along again, which will help. I also discovered that the UM gym has dropped their prices, so perhaps on her next check we can join that fucker.

Day 20

When I wake up, it'll be 3 weeks without a meal. Of late, I've been doing what I'm calling "semi-cheats" - like eating a couple prunes, or tasting the spaghetti sauce. Today I ate 3 potato wedges I roasted. But seeing how all of that adds up to minimal calories, I can't see where it's wrecking my diet - especially since I only juiced 3 times yesterday and burned off about 400 calories walking.
Tomorrow I'm gonna walk 4 miles with Maddy and then do my weekly weigh in. And then I'll see if my rationalizing is setting me back. 20 days into juicing hell, I found myself going to all 4 grocery stores in South Miami searching for beets. From now on, I'll stick to Whole Foods aka "Whole paycheck." The loose beets are 1/2 of what they are at winn dixie, and while the bunches are a buck more than publix (who didn't have them today -starting my quest)- I inadvertently gamed the system by getting a bunch of beets and a loosey, and today they only charged me for the bunch. $1 saved! yee har.

Day 19

Today I finally did some real exercise, a 5.2 mile walk with Maddy from her house to gables estates and back. If I do this 2 times a week with her, and 3 more 1 mile walks in my parents hood - I might actually lose my disgusting gut by the end of this fast. It's amazing how much faster the time/distance passes when you are swapping stories with a workout buddy.

Tomorrow morning marks the 1/3 checkpoint. While I doubt I'll be 1/3 of the way to my goal, I still feel like I am making progress and gaining energy level. I was extremely sedentary when I started. Not so much now.

Today was also Jade's open house. Her 1st grade reading teacher is a trip. Skinny black lady with an ill-fitting blonde wig. Which reminds me of Jeff Clayton's half serious post-gig order in 1996: "We only want black hookers - with blonde wigs!"

day 14

It's a long standing joke in my family how you shouldn't go shopping when you are hungry. Somehow this happens even when I'm not eating solid food. We only "needed" a few items, but somehow I blew $97 at the grocery store in part because I didn't read that the the $10 "coupon" in the paper was actually for a gift card that you can't use until your next purchase. ugh.

i might have been a little preoccupied because of this south miami rage moment:

my kid was acting like a poorly trained dog all morning, and I am on 2 hours of sleep because my parents like me to take them to the airport before the ticket counters open at 6 am

so when we rounded the corner to her classroom, she stopped walking, and i leaned over and hissed in her ear "why are you acting like a bitch?" which might have been a little excessive sure, but  she was button pushing like a 2 year old on an elevator all morning

and some fucking jackass with a southern accent and an oxford shirt booms "SUR! Watch Your Mouth!"

motherfucker. I was so mad/tired I couldn't  respond.

I want so bad to tell him to go to the 7th grade American history class down the block and learn about the 1st amendment - tell him the american nazi party was currently taking volunteers  - or kick his teeth in.

Day 11

So my earlier rant was premature. I weighed myself later that day and I was down 5 pounds from that Sunday.
Keeping myself in produce has been a challenge. Thankfully farm stores and gardener's market sent me a $25 for $50 coupon to try their new psuedo delivery service where you can shop online at garners/farm stores and pick it up at any farm stores. So I did it once with my name and tomorrow I'll pick up the order I made under dad's name. 

Another week or so and I should be back to where I was last year, 238ish. Then comes the real work, getting down to 200.I had a nice walk in my parent's hood in the hot sun today. Another 40 of those should help melt my lard off.

Day 7

When I wake up later this morning, it will mark one week of no solid food.
I'd consider that an accomplishment, if it wasn't for jumping up on Publix's scale thursday afternoon and seeing a higher number than what my parent's scale showed on sunday. Granted, I may have 3-4 pounds of backed up waste in me as I haven't dropped a deuce in a couple of days. Yes, I was wearing clothes, unlike when I weighed in - but goddamn! I'm only consuming 1100 calories or less a day! I should be down at least 3 pounds!


I haven't been exercising. Today I did most of the vita course at Kennedy park. Tomorrow I think I'll take a walk through Jade's park where she goes to camp, and/or start doing Lai's new aerobics DVD.  I will lose this goddamn weight.

Day 4

Aside from the occasional hunger pain, I've been able to stick to the juice fast since I started last Friday. My  juiceman jr. smoked up a little today while I fed kale to it, but otherwise it has held up pretty well to my 3-4 juicings per day.

I've managed a couple minor cheats, eating a little pulp from my work and a juice popsicle at the end of the night. But honestly, those couldn't make up more than 50 calories a day so I'm not worried about that.

I started using my 2-year old instant fiber today, in the hopes that  bowel movement may occur sometime soon. I haven't taken a dump since Saturday, and would like to without the help of the enema kits I bought as a joke for my housewarming party last year.

I just read an interview with Earnest Hemingway in the Paris review via my new favorite website, longform.org. It's funny how the self-professed tough guy of all time was so bitchy in response to any inquiry about his process. His prose may be tough guy, but his actual voice reads like Paul Lynde or Liberace. Funny shit.

Take 2

Dear diary, It's been a month since our last attempt at juice fasting.


So last week, I picked up a new juicer from a rich, big titted FIU prof who runs the very program I dropped out of 2 years ago after one mini semester. Go figure. I also bought most of her used used pots, as she's doing a whole kitchen remodel. Despite Jade being with me in her half million dollar mcmansion in BFE Palmetto Bay, I creeped her out when I told her I was briefly in her special ed program, which is funny considering I had no idea it was her program. She was so eager to get me out, she forgot to put the frigging pulp catcher  in my trunk which caused a week long delay in getting it back.

As an aside, her program sucks. Putting grad students in undergrad classes, and charging double for the same course with just a little extra busywork is total bullshit. I learned the same shit as the 18 year old girl next to me. It was a little demeaning. And since there's a permanent hiring freeze in the public schools, there was no reason to drop 25K + on another degree that wouldn't get me any work. It was almost as the pneumonia and collapsed lung I got during that semester was trying to tell me to get the fuck out.

Anywho, as I'm not going to be eating solid foods for the foreseeable future, I made a point to go out with a gluttonous bang. First I had lunch at the filipino joint that's in Professor Boobies' hood. I had been angling to go there for months with no luck. It was a little disappointing, but the lumpia were good. Then I made a decent gumbo ya ya, but the heat level was so mild it was at Lai's level and it didn't wow.

My gluttony level got a nice boost with an unexpected visit from my friend Tom, who road manages a world famous corporate rock band that's high on the suck meter. His charges were flown in to play a private show at the Fountainbleau for 250 wireless salesmen.
I drove out and took Tom to Pubbelly, a gastropub on the bay side of south beach. The first time I visited that joint, it was post LCD soundsystem party during Basel week and the semi-hot bartender split her time between feeding me free draft beer and trying to figure out a discreet space to fuck one of the cooks in their open kitchen.
This time, the joint was full, even at 30 minutes before close, and the beer was $9-$18 a pop. Good thing Tom is in the top tax bracket. Thanks to him, I finally tried some of pubbelly's justifiably famous bacon-wrapped, chorizo-stuffed dates. We also had duck dumplings (very good), pork belly dumplings (good) and pesto covered scallops (great). Tom regaled me with tales concerning his singer's LSD (lead singer disease) outbreaks, which were annoying to be sure - but massaging that kobe cash cow seems to be pretty worthwhile. Especially in comparison to the crazy shit I had to put up with while in the Weird World of BF.


Lai was bumming hard about her job and wanted to go out last night, so my final caloric blowout was at Chu's in the gables. We've had this restaurant.com coupon sitting around for almost a year, because Lai was concerned Jade wouldn't eat anything there. So it was a nice surprise that they had the full dim sum menu available, albeit marked up a couple bucks.  So Jade could have her normal pork bun and egg custards.
And we could finally eat Chu's peking duck. Lai is a duck fanatic and I love peking duck. So it was on like donkey kong. The server carved up the whole duck next to the table for the mu shu duck course (which was very good, but not as good as the 2nd course), and we made conversation with the older couple next to us, who were vegetarian groupies of the chef, which struck me as odd as the dude was frigging HUGE. I mean Dom Delouise huge. No way he got that big eating just veggies. It was a nice night out, which got ruined when Lai made a crack that the dude wasn't bigger than me. I denied it. Then I caught I glimpse in the mirror. I'm not that big - but I'm closer to his size, than I am to one that's not obese. So fuck it. I'm doing the damn juice fast.

And after doing one ponderous round with my new juicer, let me tell you - I AM HUNGRY!!! At least this one works, but it is just as shitty to clean, as it is pretty much just a bigger version of the one I had. The pulp catcher also doesn't attach to the juicer, which makes for an interesting time because the juicer's motor makes the unit dance.  So we'll see how long I last. I'm definately in for 10 days. I'd like to do the whole 60. But this diet is clearly 1 day at a time kinda crapola.

Meet the new fadiha. The same as the old fadiha.

I've dealt with some pretty crass folks in my 20 years as an adult. That's not surprising, considering I spent most of that time in show biz. But two of the most notable dickhead moves I've experienced occurred when I attempted to transition out of boho-land and get a "real" job.


In 2002 and 2003 I was up for multiple Music Editor positions in the New Times (now Village Voice) chain. At the time, I was a regular freelancer for them, and all the higher ups that mattered dug my writing (or so I was repeatedly told by them). The first time out, I was one of two finalists for the Miami NT gig - but my ex-guitar player from a band that broke up in 1993 was an associate editor in the chain and talked just enough shit about me to keep me from getting it in favor of a know-nothing dork who spent 4 years writing about the same 5 nerd-rap groups.

In 2003, the same shitbird guitar player called every editor in the chain, willfully fighting the company's headhunter who said my resume "shined on my desk like a pearl in a sea of crap." Finally he got me an in-person interview in Dallas. Unknown to me, the Dallas Observer was led by an editor who called herself "Bible Girl" online. She flew me in to ask a bunch of loaded, salacious questions that had no right answer. One short interview and Mexican dinner later, she had enough material to fictionalize me as an immature gossip who was unworthy of editorship. This effectively ended my career with the company.

I found out later that it was a set-up from the get go. "Bible Girl" didn't like my "helltrout" aol screen name and decided to exorcise me from her devout branch of the alt-weekly borg. But then, new times/VVM is an entity led by known assholes. They have a proud corporate history of waiting for their writers to win awards, trumpeting them, and then firing the writers over bullshit. Screwing people is the New Times way.

So imagine my surprise when I applied for a gig way below my qualifications at a non profit, that the same old crass bullshit was on the menu. I had  hoped that the local chapter of a national  do-good organization led by the sunny daughter of a local luminary would be a little less crass than a for-profit, arts tabloid chain that thrived on scandal. I thought that her smiling face which spouted all sorts of common ground, including a shared alumni status at the local performing arts school, was a good sign. Everything at our interview seemed positive. I immediately got an invitation to the "group" interview. It looked like it was my job to lose and that I had  a new career path all lit up.
 
 Alas the "group" interview was an exercise in crassness. I, along with a dozen recent college grads, was given and exercise to complete in 25 minutes while the non profit's fearless leader watched with her employees. As we both went to the same acting program, it wasn't totally unfamiliar.  We were to pretend to be an executive board in charge of deciding which 4 out of the 7 non profit pitches listed on our worksheet were worthy of being funded.

In other words, it was a classic role reversal. The sheep (my group) had to pretend to be the sheep farmers (our would-be bosses) and decide who was producing sweater-worthy coats, and who was going to be a mutton chop.

We were given 25 minutes to carve ourselves up. For the first 14 minutes, our group was dominated by an indecisive stooge who bent over backwards to waste as much time as possible to make sure the bosses knew he was all about "inclusion."  With six minutes to go, he hadn't gotten us past our first task - so I took over. I convinced the (very nervous) group to vote again (with the same results we had gotten at the 23 minute mark) split the group in half, and allowed him to feel good about himself while writing an acceptance announcement, while I wrote the rejection letter with the 4 people in the room who had a clue as to what the assignment was.

The task was completed with 15 seconds to spare. Because of me. Period. The staff had nice things to say about the "way we gelled together." As I was the sole supply of verbal pectin, I thought I aced their exercise.

Apparently I wrote a great rejection letter. Because I got a standardized form letter that used what I wrote word for word. If you looked up "plagiarism" in the dictionary, this form letter would be in the 2012 edition as an example.

16 years ago, I a dated an Israeli girl who introduced me to the concept of "Fadiha" which is an arab term for a something that's so wrong that it becomes funny.

Dear Miami Public Allies Director, Asha Loring - ripping off a writer's work and using it to separate yourself from him is tone-deaf, crass, and unprofessional. If leaders are what you are trying to build - you might want to switch from non-profit work to investment banking. Because that's where letting people forge the knife you stick them with is an accepted tactic.

In time this incident might graduate to "fadiha" status. Right now it just sucks.

The Battle Of The Casino Jacks

Yesterday, I watched the Kevin Spacey vehicle "Casino Jack," which fictionalized the Jack Abramhoff scandal. It was a good movie, with excellent acting in it - but I was troubled how sympathetic a character Spacey turned Abramhoff into. Here was a guy who bought and sold  congress, championed sweat shop slave masters and fucked over anyone who got in his path.. Spacey made him completely human, and the lens  showed Abramhoff's half-honest vision of himself, rather than the ugly, obejective truth.


Today I watched "Casino Jack And the United States Of Money," a documentary (save for an opening "America's Most Wanted"  re-enactment or two) about the same subject. Goddamn, does it raise more questions than answers. While the hollywood version paints Washington as a whorehouse - The documentary's mosaic depicts a red light district. The Hollywood version props up McCain leading the Senate committee that tarred and feathered him as Abramhoff's comeuppance for helping sink his 2000 campaign. The Doc shows McCain cutting a deal with his fellow republicans for not destroying them in exchange for the GOP 2008 nomination. How in the HELL this escaped our dormant press is mind-boggling to me. The campaign contributions were there in black in white. Many of the same senators grilling Jack A. had taken tens of thousands of bucks from him, his clients, and his allies.

It might be the most cynical thing about the whole 2008 election. Even more than lifting Palin into the national spotlight for a brief bump in the polls. But the press stays mum when it matters, and it comes into the light 3 years later in a documentary analog to a small hollywood film that only returned 1 million on a 12 million budget. It almost makes me ashamed to be a some-time member of the press. But then, sucking up to fat cats never was my beat.

False Start

Earlier this week I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick And Nearly Dead" which follows a rich Aussie businessman named Joe through a 60 day juice-fast/cross-country road trip. The flick was inspiring, mostly because of  its barrage of  trade show-like meet and greets between Joe and his  fellow fatties who know what's wrong with them, but are unwilling or unable to change their lifestyle.


I froze the screen at a screen-cap for Joe's "Mean Green" juice recipe (bunch of kale, 1 cucumber, 4 celery stalks, 2 granny smith apples, ginger, 1/2 lemon), and over the week bought the ingredients for it. I decided to break in slowly. Tonight I planned to drink "mean green" in lieu of  a dinner entree - which kinda sucked because I served my wife dijon & red wine braised short ribs that I made yesterday.

So after serving up the evil, luscious, red meat, I brought out my cheap, aroma-brand juicer for the first time in 9 years. The last time I used it, I juiced 10 red peppers to make a risotto fit for a vampire. It was a pain in the ass, so I put it on the shelf and into exile.   At the start of its reintroduction, the juicer was slow. The hole to put stuff in is very narrow, and i decided to put the ginger in before finishing the last of the apples.

Whoops. The ginger killed the juicer. Unless it just overheated, I blew the motor on it. I drank the result anyway, which was a little too heavy on the cucumber for my taste.  It's also kinda sitting in my stomach like a steak, which is kinda strange.

At any rate,  my juice fast is on  hold, unless I decide to use my blender to make smoothies instead. This may be the way to go as I can't say I understand the science of dumping the fiber from any diet - as fiber is indigestible and fills you up. But then again, Science was never my strong point. Writing and Music is. So we'll see what tomorrow brings.